2 weeks since Grandpa has been gone......

Next Step…..

Written on 09/22/2010
 
On Thursday at 12:45PM (today) my grandpa would have been gone now for two weeks.   The pain still hurts and my heart is still sad at times, but I know that I will make it through.

It has  been good and I am getting back to some normalcy.  The last few days I can say that I have received clarity and the path I am taking is so clear to me.  This is hard to say but I have changed and I know for a moment I thought I lost my drive but really I have it back and it is stronger than ever.  I do know that I will do whatever it takes to continue my grandpa’s legacy, his work ethic, love for family, and the ability to live every moment.  He was a man that always worked but at the same time lived life to the fullest.  During his retirement he lived and even up to the day he went into surgery he was living life as normal. 

So I take this moment and say sorry to the people I have not talked with for the last few weeks and to those who had no idea what I have been going through, but this event in my life has been a world wind and I am finally coming up for air.  

So back to my next step……while I am sorry but that is a mystery and I think for now I will keep it to myself.  Just know that the steps I am taking today are leading to the master plan and know that God is leading the pack.

So I end with this…..losing someone you love is a healing process, and through time I believe if everyone has a fight in them they will make it through.  Remember to keep fighting and live everyday like it is your last.  Love your family and strive for your dreams because with determination and hard work a person can do whatever they set their mind too.

So for now I am out - J

Remember your choices do matter.....

Written on Sunday, September 19, 2010

Choices!

Today has been a unique day.  I went to church, dropped off my niece, nephew, and Molly (puppy), went to His House, watched Detroit Lions football game, and found a book laying on the free table “The Monk who sold his Ferrari” ( at apartment complex).  Instead of doing dishes I started to read this book.  I am on chapter seven, and I am enjoying reading about this lawyer’s journey to inner peace.  I realized something today, and that is I need to reconnect with myself.

While I was pondering about today, I realized that last week at this time I was sitting/standing in a room talking to people while my grandpa laid in a casket.  Our family was hosting his funeral visitations and we were interacting with all the people that came to support us and celebrate his life.  Another thing that hit me is I need to focus on me these next few months and work on fixing my broken heart.  Since we found out about his diagnose to when he passed away (12 days) my life has been in a world wind, and I somehow lost my passion.  Right now, I am going through the motions and living my life as usual.  The problem is I am not sure why I am doing what I am doing - my passion is gone and I need to rekindle my fire.  I am tired of going through the motions and I am ready to figure out what my next assignments are.  I know that through this process I am will not be the same and I will be coming out a completely different person.  This experience has changed my life and I am now ready for the ultimate assignment God has for me. 

Last night I had a dream that was so vivid.  In this dream I was reliving my grandpa’s last days on this Earth.  Also, in this dream I say a time line that explained every detail of what he would do next including the day he would take his last breath (February 2nd - was that date).  It was weird and when I woke up it was around 2:30AM.  I just laid there and was trying to process what I just experienced, and then I got an idea. 

This dream was explaining to me that God has every detail worked out in our lives.  In the last few days my grandpa made a choice to renew his salvation and expressed that opening before all of his friends and family.  My grandpa did not express religion opening.  He was not a regular church attendee, but in his own way he believed in a God.  In the last moments of his life he was ready and he said,  “I am ready to meet Jesus.”  I was surprised because when he took his last breathe it was like he went to sleep.  I sort of felt that  it was time for him to go so I led my family in prayer and when the prayer was over my grandpa was gone. 

I guess we all have choices.  Choices of what we believe in, Choice of the stress we allow to consume our life, or even choices of what lifestyle we are going to live.  I am not sure what you believe but one day everyone will be lying in a casket and people will be coming to your funeral visitation or memorial -- The question is:  What will those people be saying about you? 

So I close with this; someone told me once:  On your grave stone is your birthday, a dash, and than the year you die - The question is what story will you write that will explain the dash.  Curtis Zimmerman said during his presentations  (Fall Welcome Week, Western Michigan University), you are the main character of your script so what will write and who will you add or delete from your script.

So remember we all have freedom to choice what consumes our life and what script with will live by.  Until next I say Good Day/Good Night ----- J

My feeling after losing my Grandpa John Ferris,

My Blog post:  09/18/10

How I am doing.

Right now it is 2:12AM and I am laying in my living room.  I just finished a movie that I saw multiple times and for some reason this time I started to cry.  The crying was not in regards to the movie but instead something in that movie reminded me of my grandpa and my heart started to weep. 

It is crazy I know.  A person (me) who is suppose to be strong, but instead deep down my heart is broken (right now).  My heart is broken over the loss of my Grandpa John; it has been a week since we lost him.  He was one of my biggest supports and I did not realize it until the doctor diagnosed him with colon cancer again.  He was a man that was always there for me and someone I could always count on.  I guess you could say he was the pillar of our family or the rock of the family. 

I decided to write this blog to explain how I am feeling.  Many people ask me ’how are you doing’ and my response is OK or good.  My friend told me awhile back that OK is an alright description of your emotions.  Like she said when she was struggling that sometimes you are just OK.   I think for me OK is a state that you are making it.  I know there are time when I feel sad inside, but because I do not want people to feel sorry for me the best description is ’I am OK.’

During the last twelve days of my grandpa’s life I learned a huge lesson.  I think of myself as a student after God’s own heart and I would say that my faith is strong.  So when I found out the news I immediately started to contact folks to pray for my grandpa and I never once doubted that God would completely heal my grandpa.  I know that God is the ultimate healer and nothing is too big for Him.  The problem was that through out those twelve days I would just cry and sometimes I would cry for hours and did not know how to stop myself.  The lesson I learned was no matter how strong your faith is every person still has a heart, and at that moment my heart was crying.  You see, when I heard this news it was hard for me and my life was turned upside down.  The person that I could count on for anything and he always was there was given a week to months to live, and it hit me that my biggest safety net was dying. 

So today my heart is broken and I know that through time and God’s help my heart will be put back together.  The lesson will stay with me forever, and now it is a tool that I can use.  I am thankful that I finally can say I know how to love because I loved my grandpa and with him I held nothing back.  Sometimes loving someone means in the end your heart could get broken, but I know that I will always take the risk to love again.

So to sum this up, I am doing well.  I have good days and bad days.  I am doing my best to not forget to grieve my grandpa’s death.  I will make it and I will help my family also make it.  So here is part one of my story, and I will do my best to update this blog on my progress and the lessons God has taught me through it.  So for now I am signing off, and remember it is OK to be OK.

-J