When you feel you need to talk and you just can't - I wonder if I am the only one...
What I mean is I sometimes like to talk to people and spend quality time with them which is one form of love for me. I realized that it does not matter if I am texting, in person, or over video - The point is that quality time is happening.
What about you, what makes you feel loved? I mean have you thought about the simple things that get you right at the heart and makes you feel special and loved. Those could be flowers, a compliment, someone cleaning your home, feeling a person touch your hand, and/or just communicating with someone.
Some people would call these qualities the Five Love Languages, which are: Gifts, Quality Time, Words of Affirmations, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
I encourage you to google - Five Love Languages and learn which language you have.
The point is everyone needs to feel loved. Loving yourself or another person does not have to be difficult to show, but in return could be very simple. My hope is that people would diversify themselves and find out what way makes you and/or someone else feel loved.
Than go out and show it to the people you love and let people know your love language. My hope is that people will not fill love with something else that in the end will hurt them. Loving is amazing and true love is even better. Don't settle for second best but wait for the best.
You got this, all you have to do is search out what you need and want and remember it may be in the form you were not even thinking about, so go find what fulfills you. And know whatever that outcome is each person is different and receives love in their own way --- find yours!
Friday, July 26, 2019
Saturday, July 20, 2019
Loose Lips Sink Ships.....
Loose Lips Sink Ships.....does that even make any sense? I thought this slogan was meant for people who gossiped or shared information that was not for them to share, but this week I learned it could be for something else.
Lets talk about this for a moment...I thought I was a person that tried to keep certain elements/topics to myself, except this week I realized I share things to certain people that I trust which help me process what is going on in my life.
Let me explain...I am an outward processor which means I process things by talking it through or speaking out loud. This means I have to be patient for people who process internally because I need to allow everyone to come up with the answer in their own timing.
But what does that have to do with Loose Lips Sink Ships...For me it means I need to figure out another way to process my thoughts than telling someone my personal business especially when it relates to another person. I did not think about how that other person would feel even though I meant no harm and all I was trying to do was figure out my own feelings and/or thoughts.
As I write this, my heart feels heavy because I need to apologize to everyone that I may of unintentional hurt due to me trying to process a situation and/or issue I was personally trying to deal with.
Now back to the slogan of Loose Lips Sink Ships - I think for me this means I need to stop and somehow internally process what, who, and why I need to talk to anyone about a personal matter I am dealing with especially when it deals with another individual because I may not intentionally try to create harm, but in the end information my be spoken that did not have permission to be shared.
I guess my hope can be that others will be careful what he/she says to another person because you may not know if the words you say will hurt or effect that person in a negative way. I learned the hard way, but am thankful I get to learn from this lesson and move forward in shifting how I communicate and process ideas/thoughts.
Just know that we all have power to use our mouth to uplift or tear down someone -- that means the ball is in your court on how you will touch another person's life. Go be the light instead of spreading darkness to a world that needs a little more sunshine.
Lets talk about this for a moment...I thought I was a person that tried to keep certain elements/topics to myself, except this week I realized I share things to certain people that I trust which help me process what is going on in my life.
Let me explain...I am an outward processor which means I process things by talking it through or speaking out loud. This means I have to be patient for people who process internally because I need to allow everyone to come up with the answer in their own timing.
But what does that have to do with Loose Lips Sink Ships...For me it means I need to figure out another way to process my thoughts than telling someone my personal business especially when it relates to another person. I did not think about how that other person would feel even though I meant no harm and all I was trying to do was figure out my own feelings and/or thoughts.
As I write this, my heart feels heavy because I need to apologize to everyone that I may of unintentional hurt due to me trying to process a situation and/or issue I was personally trying to deal with.
Now back to the slogan of Loose Lips Sink Ships - I think for me this means I need to stop and somehow internally process what, who, and why I need to talk to anyone about a personal matter I am dealing with especially when it deals with another individual because I may not intentionally try to create harm, but in the end information my be spoken that did not have permission to be shared.
I guess my hope can be that others will be careful what he/she says to another person because you may not know if the words you say will hurt or effect that person in a negative way. I learned the hard way, but am thankful I get to learn from this lesson and move forward in shifting how I communicate and process ideas/thoughts.
Just know that we all have power to use our mouth to uplift or tear down someone -- that means the ball is in your court on how you will touch another person's life. Go be the light instead of spreading darkness to a world that needs a little more sunshine.
Wednesday, July 17, 2019
Love----Intimacy, The Beginning...
Where do I start as my mind is racing but I know I have to put my thoughts down on paper. The last few weeks and/or days I have been thinking about love and intimacy. I realized that I am not sure what true intimacy is and I think sometimes I personally do not always receive love that well.
I mean how is that possible. God has put it on my heart and in my soul that I love people and I want to see people succeed or become successful. How come than do I not know how to receive myself. I think the main problem is I give so much to others that I forget to receive and give back to myself.
How many people in this world forget one of the most important people in his/her life --- which happens to be their self?
I wonder if that is one of the problems people face in his/her life. I know that is the issue that has been absorbing my thoughts. I want to be loved and I know I am loved by certain people, but could their still be something missing in my life when it comes to love? I also understand intimacy is another issue, but could intimacy and love work hand in hand. So many questions I can not answer at this time, but I know I am determine to figure out the answer.
I can say this for me I am done playing around with love and intimacy and just going through the motions but I want an emotion driven intimacy experience. I am not sure that is going to happen except I know I will not settle.
My hope is that no one will settle for what he/she deserves because we all deserve the best. My auntie told me recently that I should not have to go searching but something will come my way...I do not know if that is true but I decided it is about time to do some self-care, enjoy life, and enjoy the people in my life. I wonder if searching for something we think we need we miss what is right in front of us; which means I am going to starting being and not just always doing.
In the end, it comes down to what is right in my life for me and what is right in your life for you. I do not have all the answers but I know I will fight until I get what I want --- will you do the same?
Every person needs to feel loved and I believe should know what intimacy is...So in the next few months or maybe years I am going to search out these two terms and fight for the best for me...I hope you will do the same.
Just remember to not always keep your searching far off but look at what you have because you may be searching for something that is already right in front of you.
I mean how is that possible. God has put it on my heart and in my soul that I love people and I want to see people succeed or become successful. How come than do I not know how to receive myself. I think the main problem is I give so much to others that I forget to receive and give back to myself.
How many people in this world forget one of the most important people in his/her life --- which happens to be their self?
I wonder if that is one of the problems people face in his/her life. I know that is the issue that has been absorbing my thoughts. I want to be loved and I know I am loved by certain people, but could their still be something missing in my life when it comes to love? I also understand intimacy is another issue, but could intimacy and love work hand in hand. So many questions I can not answer at this time, but I know I am determine to figure out the answer.
I can say this for me I am done playing around with love and intimacy and just going through the motions but I want an emotion driven intimacy experience. I am not sure that is going to happen except I know I will not settle.
My hope is that no one will settle for what he/she deserves because we all deserve the best. My auntie told me recently that I should not have to go searching but something will come my way...I do not know if that is true but I decided it is about time to do some self-care, enjoy life, and enjoy the people in my life. I wonder if searching for something we think we need we miss what is right in front of us; which means I am going to starting being and not just always doing.
In the end, it comes down to what is right in my life for me and what is right in your life for you. I do not have all the answers but I know I will fight until I get what I want --- will you do the same?
Every person needs to feel loved and I believe should know what intimacy is...So in the next few months or maybe years I am going to search out these two terms and fight for the best for me...I hope you will do the same.
Just remember to not always keep your searching far off but look at what you have because you may be searching for something that is already right in front of you.
Saturday, June 29, 2019
Life Update - 06/29/2019
Today marks a new step in my life as I have started to focus on me and making sure I gain good health and balance.
Currently, I am addicted to Spin Class at the gym which has given me a new passion to exercise. This class is intense and at times challenging, but I realized in the end I just have to overcome my mind. The mind is a very powerful tool and all people need to do is control it. I believe if someone can overcome the doubt, fear, disbelief, or the ability to give up which their mind is saying than that person can overcome almost anything.
Another amazing avenue about life is my body is finally loosing weight. It has been a massive battle. I even had weight loss surgery, which did not get me to my goal weight, instead gave me additional health issues that I have to manage. The great thing this year brought me was more in tune to what my body needs and wants. First, I realized that I was addicted to sugar and my body did not like it, so I took a challenge to break the sugar addiction. Secondly, my body started to reject a lot of animal products especially meat, so I had to figure out a new way of eating and decided to try a raw food diet. As I shifted more to raw foods of fruits and veggies I began to feel amazing. I still had an issue which was how do I get the protein the doctor want me to get; while I decided to not to worry about what the doctors recommended and listened to my body. I started to try new fruits and vegetables and became addicted to raw juice - my journey to a healthy me was evolving.
Finally, I am determined to keep going or plowing forward. My biggest critique is myself, so I am determined to figure out how to love me. I think some times people miss that part of life because we take care of so many other things or people that people leave out themselves.
Now is the time for action. I don't know who this may help as it is an update on my progress of life. Folks remember go reach for the stars as each one of us have the power to do whatever we push our self into. The journey is up to us, so go fight for it.
Lastly, live the dream you want to....You have the power to be successful - Go Get it!
Currently, I am addicted to Spin Class at the gym which has given me a new passion to exercise. This class is intense and at times challenging, but I realized in the end I just have to overcome my mind. The mind is a very powerful tool and all people need to do is control it. I believe if someone can overcome the doubt, fear, disbelief, or the ability to give up which their mind is saying than that person can overcome almost anything.
Another amazing avenue about life is my body is finally loosing weight. It has been a massive battle. I even had weight loss surgery, which did not get me to my goal weight, instead gave me additional health issues that I have to manage. The great thing this year brought me was more in tune to what my body needs and wants. First, I realized that I was addicted to sugar and my body did not like it, so I took a challenge to break the sugar addiction. Secondly, my body started to reject a lot of animal products especially meat, so I had to figure out a new way of eating and decided to try a raw food diet. As I shifted more to raw foods of fruits and veggies I began to feel amazing. I still had an issue which was how do I get the protein the doctor want me to get; while I decided to not to worry about what the doctors recommended and listened to my body. I started to try new fruits and vegetables and became addicted to raw juice - my journey to a healthy me was evolving.
Finally, I am determined to keep going or plowing forward. My biggest critique is myself, so I am determined to figure out how to love me. I think some times people miss that part of life because we take care of so many other things or people that people leave out themselves.
Now is the time for action. I don't know who this may help as it is an update on my progress of life. Folks remember go reach for the stars as each one of us have the power to do whatever we push our self into. The journey is up to us, so go fight for it.
Lastly, live the dream you want to....You have the power to be successful - Go Get it!
Sunday, June 23, 2019
Loving
'Loving Beyond Boundaries'
Okay, so this is my first thought on this topic which I believe will develop a great deal. The main thing is I don't understand much but I do have a passion about this thing called LOVE.
I use to think that it is all about 'loving people back to life,' but I think it is more than that. My main concept now is loving beyond boundaries which I think will show people how Christ really loves them. I am still trying to figure out this topic but I am certain that love takes sacrifice.
For me, I am willing to sacrifice a few things to show people love or in terms to show the love of Jesus to all people no matter what background or differences they may have compared to me or others I associate with. What I have determined is I am not God, so I am not here to judge, but I am here to associate with people and to show them the love of Jesus through being an example. I am certain that people who experience Jesus will change their lives toward Him.
My problem is that I have so many questions and I am not sure if I will get all of them answered but I know that I am willing to seek out what the meaning to my questions are.
I am figuring out that love does cost a thing and people need to be willing to open up to what love my bring someone's way. I know for me when it comes to loving beyond boundaries I am willing to go through all the processes of love and figure out what those processes are. My hope is that I stay neutral in all areas of my life so I can cross boundaries and dine at all tables that come my way.
Love is important.
Love is powerful.
Love is unique.
The question is are people ready to love especially if it means some sacrifices.
Now is the time to LOVE...…
Okay, so this is my first thought on this topic which I believe will develop a great deal. The main thing is I don't understand much but I do have a passion about this thing called LOVE.
I use to think that it is all about 'loving people back to life,' but I think it is more than that. My main concept now is loving beyond boundaries which I think will show people how Christ really loves them. I am still trying to figure out this topic but I am certain that love takes sacrifice.
For me, I am willing to sacrifice a few things to show people love or in terms to show the love of Jesus to all people no matter what background or differences they may have compared to me or others I associate with. What I have determined is I am not God, so I am not here to judge, but I am here to associate with people and to show them the love of Jesus through being an example. I am certain that people who experience Jesus will change their lives toward Him.
My problem is that I have so many questions and I am not sure if I will get all of them answered but I know that I am willing to seek out what the meaning to my questions are.
I am figuring out that love does cost a thing and people need to be willing to open up to what love my bring someone's way. I know for me when it comes to loving beyond boundaries I am willing to go through all the processes of love and figure out what those processes are. My hope is that I stay neutral in all areas of my life so I can cross boundaries and dine at all tables that come my way.
Love is important.
Love is powerful.
Love is unique.
The question is are people ready to love especially if it means some sacrifices.
Now is the time to LOVE...…
Wednesday, June 19, 2019
LOVE!
LOVE....To ME it is a CHOICE
Today, I woke up after having a dream about being in a forbidden relationship with a person who makes my heart flutter and my stomach have butterflies. This person has the power to make my life great but complicated. This relationship would be forbidden in so many ways especially in some of my personal circles, so for now I choose to keep it a mystery or inside myself. Do I love this person, absolutely and I will continue to be their friend until the day I die, but I know for me the choice to make it a public relationship will not happen.
Everything I experience I believe is for a reason.
Everything I go through I believe is for a reason.
Everything I endure is so I can help another person on his/her journey of life.
For the past year I have thought about this thing called LOVE and I believe with all my heart everyone has the ability to choose who he/she is going to LOVE. I do not think we are born one way or another way, but I do believe our family, environments, and communities create in us the walls, boundaries, layers, and obstacles each person faces when it comes to LOVE.
For me I choose to wait until I find the person I could spend the rest of my life with and I choose to love all people in a way that will show respect, honor, and give each person sacred worth. I just wonder what it takes for others to love.
On this day I am reminded of an amazing person in my life, who showed the greatest love story. His name is Jesus Christ. Thousands of years ago he walked this Earth, and one day he decided to pay the greatest sacrifice by offering his own life. That day he was nailed to a poll and took his last breath. Jesus did this for all people, and this event created a way for people to become whole and free from their mistakes. Jesus loved people so much he gave up his life - this was his choice.
What is your choice? My Choice is to love people so much that I can love them back to life. I also hope I can show an ounce of love like Jesus showed.
The great news is the choice is up to each person, so go out there and LOVE. I do not mean for people to all others to walk all over them, but instead believe in your hear that their is love for you and in return you have the ability to love another person.
God Bless for know and keep on loving.
Remember I love you and so does Jesus Christ!
Sunday, June 9, 2019
Another Diet --- WHAT?
Today, June 9th, 2019, I am starting a raw vegan diet for the next 7 days. Actually, this diet is to break my addiction from sugar. I told my mom about this change and she stated - why another diet - Jenn, you already had weight-loss surgery. She had a good point. The problem is my weight is not where I want it to be and after the surgery certain foods have made me sick. My problem is no doctor can find out way I am having certain digestive issues that are making me feel miserable, so I decided after researching and evaluating other individuals maybe it is my diet. I can say I am addicted to juicing and feel awesome when I am drinking raw juice. The problem I get back to is that sugar is still my weakness. That is way this journey of raw vegan diet is upon me. I am excited. The problem I for see is diversifying my fruits and vegetables I eat, but I am willing to push through.
So here is to another amazing journey of dieting that might turn into a lifestyle shift..... For the next seven days I am going to document how I did and my feelings, so I can keep myself accountable to this challenge I am giving myself. I also hope in the future this could/may help another person. My hope is that my experience will help motivate someone else to do a shift or change in their life that will better them. Lets begin.....Day 1
So here is to another amazing journey of dieting that might turn into a lifestyle shift..... For the next seven days I am going to document how I did and my feelings, so I can keep myself accountable to this challenge I am giving myself. I also hope in the future this could/may help another person. My hope is that my experience will help motivate someone else to do a shift or change in their life that will better them. Lets begin.....Day 1
Saturday, March 23, 2019
Day 1: Restart
Today, I have decided to restart.
Let me explain, I have tried for many months and even years to get to a decent weight where I can feel good about myself and be out of the obesity category. Over the course of a year I have shifted my eating habits and added exercise except I have one problem and that is long term success. What I mean is I can manage the change in diet and exercise for a short term but fall off the wagon after a few days to weeks.
I realized this is not the only area I struggle with, so I am restarting in all areas of my life. When I reflect on my life one word comes to mind which is discipline. On this day of March 23, 2019 - I want to be disciplined in every area of my life and than teach others to do the same.
Again, this is my restart. I know some may think I have it all together but for me I want to not get complacent or just go through the motion. Instead I want to do my best in all areas of life including my health.
Here we go...I know this will not be a sprint instead it is a journey of life i have to take. If you feel you need a shift than you can restart your life anytime as the change has to start with you as no one can do it for you.
Day 1: started with drinking a nutritional supplement called moringa supermix. And my goal is no bread products just veggies, fruits, and protein.
Here I go
Let me explain, I have tried for many months and even years to get to a decent weight where I can feel good about myself and be out of the obesity category. Over the course of a year I have shifted my eating habits and added exercise except I have one problem and that is long term success. What I mean is I can manage the change in diet and exercise for a short term but fall off the wagon after a few days to weeks.
I realized this is not the only area I struggle with, so I am restarting in all areas of my life. When I reflect on my life one word comes to mind which is discipline. On this day of March 23, 2019 - I want to be disciplined in every area of my life and than teach others to do the same.
Again, this is my restart. I know some may think I have it all together but for me I want to not get complacent or just go through the motion. Instead I want to do my best in all areas of life including my health.
Here we go...I know this will not be a sprint instead it is a journey of life i have to take. If you feel you need a shift than you can restart your life anytime as the change has to start with you as no one can do it for you.
Day 1: started with drinking a nutritional supplement called moringa supermix. And my goal is no bread products just veggies, fruits, and protein.
Here I go
Thursday, September 23, 2010
2 weeks since Grandpa has been gone......
Next Step…..
Written on 09/22/2010
On Thursday at 12:45PM (today) my grandpa would have been gone now for two weeks. The pain still hurts and my heart is still sad at times, but I know that I will make it through.
It has been good and I am getting back to some normalcy. The last few days I can say that I have received clarity and the path I am taking is so clear to me. This is hard to say but I have changed and I know for a moment I thought I lost my drive but really I have it back and it is stronger than ever. I do know that I will do whatever it takes to continue my grandpa’s legacy, his work ethic, love for family, and the ability to live every moment. He was a man that always worked but at the same time lived life to the fullest. During his retirement he lived and even up to the day he went into surgery he was living life as normal.
So I take this moment and say sorry to the people I have not talked with for the last few weeks and to those who had no idea what I have been going through, but this event in my life has been a world wind and I am finally coming up for air.
So back to my next step……while I am sorry but that is a mystery and I think for now I will keep it to myself. Just know that the steps I am taking today are leading to the master plan and know that God is leading the pack.
So I end with this…..losing someone you love is a healing process, and through time I believe if everyone has a fight in them they will make it through. Remember to keep fighting and live everyday like it is your last. Love your family and strive for your dreams because with determination and hard work a person can do whatever they set their mind too.
So for now I am out - J
Remember your choices do matter.....
Written on Sunday, September 19, 2010
Today has been a unique day. I went to church, dropped off my niece, nephew, and Molly (puppy), went to His House, watched Detroit Lions football game, and found a book laying on the free table “The Monk who sold his Ferrari” ( at apartment complex). Instead of doing dishes I started to read this book. I am on chapter seven, and I am enjoying reading about this lawyer’s journey to inner peace. I realized something today, and that is I need to reconnect with myself.
While I was pondering about today, I realized that last week at this time I was sitting/standing in a room talking to people while my grandpa laid in a casket. Our family was hosting his funeral visitations and we were interacting with all the people that came to support us and celebrate his life. Another thing that hit me is I need to focus on me these next few months and work on fixing my broken heart. Since we found out about his diagnose to when he passed away (12 days) my life has been in a world wind, and I somehow lost my passion. Right now, I am going through the motions and living my life as usual. The problem is I am not sure why I am doing what I am doing - my passion is gone and I need to rekindle my fire. I am tired of going through the motions and I am ready to figure out what my next assignments are. I know that through this process I am will not be the same and I will be coming out a completely different person. This experience has changed my life and I am now ready for the ultimate assignment God has for me.
Last night I had a dream that was so vivid. In this dream I was reliving my grandpa’s last days on this Earth. Also, in this dream I say a time line that explained every detail of what he would do next including the day he would take his last breath (February 2nd - was that date). It was weird and when I woke up it was around 2:30AM. I just laid there and was trying to process what I just experienced, and then I got an idea.
This dream was explaining to me that God has every detail worked out in our lives. In the last few days my grandpa made a choice to renew his salvation and expressed that opening before all of his friends and family. My grandpa did not express religion opening. He was not a regular church attendee, but in his own way he believed in a God. In the last moments of his life he was ready and he said, “I am ready to meet Jesus.” I was surprised because when he took his last breathe it was like he went to sleep. I sort of felt that it was time for him to go so I led my family in prayer and when the prayer was over my grandpa was gone.
I guess we all have choices. Choices of what we believe in, Choice of the stress we allow to consume our life, or even choices of what lifestyle we are going to live. I am not sure what you believe but one day everyone will be lying in a casket and people will be coming to your funeral visitation or memorial -- The question is: What will those people be saying about you?
So I close with this; someone told me once: On your grave stone is your birthday, a dash, and than the year you die - The question is what story will you write that will explain the dash. Curtis Zimmerman said during his presentations (Fall Welcome Week, Western Michigan University), you are the main character of your script so what will write and who will you add or delete from your script.
So remember we all have freedom to choice what consumes our life and what script with will live by. Until next I say Good Day/Good Night ----- J
Choices!
Today has been a unique day. I went to church, dropped off my niece, nephew, and Molly (puppy), went to His House, watched Detroit Lions football game, and found a book laying on the free table “The Monk who sold his Ferrari” ( at apartment complex). Instead of doing dishes I started to read this book. I am on chapter seven, and I am enjoying reading about this lawyer’s journey to inner peace. I realized something today, and that is I need to reconnect with myself.
While I was pondering about today, I realized that last week at this time I was sitting/standing in a room talking to people while my grandpa laid in a casket. Our family was hosting his funeral visitations and we were interacting with all the people that came to support us and celebrate his life. Another thing that hit me is I need to focus on me these next few months and work on fixing my broken heart. Since we found out about his diagnose to when he passed away (12 days) my life has been in a world wind, and I somehow lost my passion. Right now, I am going through the motions and living my life as usual. The problem is I am not sure why I am doing what I am doing - my passion is gone and I need to rekindle my fire. I am tired of going through the motions and I am ready to figure out what my next assignments are. I know that through this process I am will not be the same and I will be coming out a completely different person. This experience has changed my life and I am now ready for the ultimate assignment God has for me.
Last night I had a dream that was so vivid. In this dream I was reliving my grandpa’s last days on this Earth. Also, in this dream I say a time line that explained every detail of what he would do next including the day he would take his last breath (February 2nd - was that date). It was weird and when I woke up it was around 2:30AM. I just laid there and was trying to process what I just experienced, and then I got an idea.
This dream was explaining to me that God has every detail worked out in our lives. In the last few days my grandpa made a choice to renew his salvation and expressed that opening before all of his friends and family. My grandpa did not express religion opening. He was not a regular church attendee, but in his own way he believed in a God. In the last moments of his life he was ready and he said, “I am ready to meet Jesus.” I was surprised because when he took his last breathe it was like he went to sleep. I sort of felt that it was time for him to go so I led my family in prayer and when the prayer was over my grandpa was gone.
I guess we all have choices. Choices of what we believe in, Choice of the stress we allow to consume our life, or even choices of what lifestyle we are going to live. I am not sure what you believe but one day everyone will be lying in a casket and people will be coming to your funeral visitation or memorial -- The question is: What will those people be saying about you?
So I close with this; someone told me once: On your grave stone is your birthday, a dash, and than the year you die - The question is what story will you write that will explain the dash. Curtis Zimmerman said during his presentations (Fall Welcome Week, Western Michigan University), you are the main character of your script so what will write and who will you add or delete from your script.
So remember we all have freedom to choice what consumes our life and what script with will live by. Until next I say Good Day/Good Night ----- J
My feeling after losing my Grandpa John Ferris,
My Blog post: 09/18/10
Right now it is 2:12AM and I am laying in my living room. I just finished a movie that I saw multiple times and for some reason this time I started to cry. The crying was not in regards to the movie but instead something in that movie reminded me of my grandpa and my heart started to weep.
It is crazy I know. A person (me) who is suppose to be strong, but instead deep down my heart is broken (right now). My heart is broken over the loss of my Grandpa John; it has been a week since we lost him. He was one of my biggest supports and I did not realize it until the doctor diagnosed him with colon cancer again. He was a man that was always there for me and someone I could always count on. I guess you could say he was the pillar of our family or the rock of the family.
I decided to write this blog to explain how I am feeling. Many people ask me ’how are you doing’ and my response is OK or good. My friend told me awhile back that OK is an alright description of your emotions. Like she said when she was struggling that sometimes you are just OK. I think for me OK is a state that you are making it. I know there are time when I feel sad inside, but because I do not want people to feel sorry for me the best description is ’I am OK.’
During the last twelve days of my grandpa’s life I learned a huge lesson. I think of myself as a student after God’s own heart and I would say that my faith is strong. So when I found out the news I immediately started to contact folks to pray for my grandpa and I never once doubted that God would completely heal my grandpa. I know that God is the ultimate healer and nothing is too big for Him. The problem was that through out those twelve days I would just cry and sometimes I would cry for hours and did not know how to stop myself. The lesson I learned was no matter how strong your faith is every person still has a heart, and at that moment my heart was crying. You see, when I heard this news it was hard for me and my life was turned upside down. The person that I could count on for anything and he always was there was given a week to months to live, and it hit me that my biggest safety net was dying.
So today my heart is broken and I know that through time and God’s help my heart will be put back together. The lesson will stay with me forever, and now it is a tool that I can use. I am thankful that I finally can say I know how to love because I loved my grandpa and with him I held nothing back. Sometimes loving someone means in the end your heart could get broken, but I know that I will always take the risk to love again.
So to sum this up, I am doing well. I have good days and bad days. I am doing my best to not forget to grieve my grandpa’s death. I will make it and I will help my family also make it. So here is part one of my story, and I will do my best to update this blog on my progress and the lessons God has taught me through it. So for now I am signing off, and remember it is OK to be OK.
-J
How I am doing.
Right now it is 2:12AM and I am laying in my living room. I just finished a movie that I saw multiple times and for some reason this time I started to cry. The crying was not in regards to the movie but instead something in that movie reminded me of my grandpa and my heart started to weep.
It is crazy I know. A person (me) who is suppose to be strong, but instead deep down my heart is broken (right now). My heart is broken over the loss of my Grandpa John; it has been a week since we lost him. He was one of my biggest supports and I did not realize it until the doctor diagnosed him with colon cancer again. He was a man that was always there for me and someone I could always count on. I guess you could say he was the pillar of our family or the rock of the family.
I decided to write this blog to explain how I am feeling. Many people ask me ’how are you doing’ and my response is OK or good. My friend told me awhile back that OK is an alright description of your emotions. Like she said when she was struggling that sometimes you are just OK. I think for me OK is a state that you are making it. I know there are time when I feel sad inside, but because I do not want people to feel sorry for me the best description is ’I am OK.’
During the last twelve days of my grandpa’s life I learned a huge lesson. I think of myself as a student after God’s own heart and I would say that my faith is strong. So when I found out the news I immediately started to contact folks to pray for my grandpa and I never once doubted that God would completely heal my grandpa. I know that God is the ultimate healer and nothing is too big for Him. The problem was that through out those twelve days I would just cry and sometimes I would cry for hours and did not know how to stop myself. The lesson I learned was no matter how strong your faith is every person still has a heart, and at that moment my heart was crying. You see, when I heard this news it was hard for me and my life was turned upside down. The person that I could count on for anything and he always was there was given a week to months to live, and it hit me that my biggest safety net was dying.
So today my heart is broken and I know that through time and God’s help my heart will be put back together. The lesson will stay with me forever, and now it is a tool that I can use. I am thankful that I finally can say I know how to love because I loved my grandpa and with him I held nothing back. Sometimes loving someone means in the end your heart could get broken, but I know that I will always take the risk to love again.
So to sum this up, I am doing well. I have good days and bad days. I am doing my best to not forget to grieve my grandpa’s death. I will make it and I will help my family also make it. So here is part one of my story, and I will do my best to update this blog on my progress and the lessons God has taught me through it. So for now I am signing off, and remember it is OK to be OK.
-J
Friday, June 25, 2010
Next step
It has been a long time since I have blogged, but I finally decided that I needed to update the world what is happening in my life.
This May I graduated college and I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I was going to move to another State and work for a person I knew, but then things started to fall apart. Everything I thought I had worked out was no longer available. I was so confused and wondered why God would do this because I thought I knew the plan He had for my future. This month I took a stand and decided not to move out of the State. Once I decided to stay things started to fall back into place.
I have to say that today I am in a beautiful place. August 1st I move into my own place and start my life as a professional person.
So what is next....
I have taken up my call and decided to go into full time ministry while at the same time become a social worker. I am in the process of starting to become in full time ministry with the United Methodist Church, and I could not be more excited and at peace with myself.
So there it is a portion of what God had done in my life these last few weeks. More important God showed me that my season was not quite up, and there are people that I still need to encourage and bless in Kalamazoo.
Let me close with this.....Last night I had the opportunity to go out to dinner with a few people from the university, and God used me to bless a young lady that I have known for the last year. I am so amazed on how God works and I know that the path I am heading is going to be amazing.
So remember just because you think you have the plan God has for your future....It might not exactly be His plan and if you seek Him whole heartily.....He will show up and show out in your life.
I am out for now, but continue to live your dream ----J
This May I graduated college and I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I was going to move to another State and work for a person I knew, but then things started to fall apart. Everything I thought I had worked out was no longer available. I was so confused and wondered why God would do this because I thought I knew the plan He had for my future. This month I took a stand and decided not to move out of the State. Once I decided to stay things started to fall back into place.
I have to say that today I am in a beautiful place. August 1st I move into my own place and start my life as a professional person.
So what is next....
I have taken up my call and decided to go into full time ministry while at the same time become a social worker. I am in the process of starting to become in full time ministry with the United Methodist Church, and I could not be more excited and at peace with myself.
So there it is a portion of what God had done in my life these last few weeks. More important God showed me that my season was not quite up, and there are people that I still need to encourage and bless in Kalamazoo.
Let me close with this.....Last night I had the opportunity to go out to dinner with a few people from the university, and God used me to bless a young lady that I have known for the last year. I am so amazed on how God works and I know that the path I am heading is going to be amazing.
So remember just because you think you have the plan God has for your future....It might not exactly be His plan and if you seek Him whole heartily.....He will show up and show out in your life.
I am out for now, but continue to live your dream ----J
Thursday, May 13, 2010
It is finally finished....
May 1st, 2010 marks the day that I finished my undergraduate degree, and today I have a Bachelor of Social Work and a National certificate in Nonprofit Management and Leadership. I can not believe it is done. For four years I have been working on this degree and I finally made it.
So I had so many emotions going through my body as I walked into work on Monday. Thank God I still have my job at the university, but in August everything will change as I leave the life I have known for four years. I was scared and excited because I know now I can finally do what I love and work in a profession that needs dedicated people.
I am not sure where I will end up. I thought I had the direction God wanted me to go with but the job fell through. I really wanted to help her with her business, but maybe that was not the exact place I should be at. I know that we will continue to be friends, and God will continue to bless her so much, but I guess it was a blow to me even though it was a mutual decision.
So what is next....That is the question of the day, I do not know but I can say that my desire to start my nonprofit is at my forefront and I am starting to put my vision on paper. I have to say that I am scared: scared because a new season of my life is coming, scared to leave my family, and scared for change. I thought I would never say it but change is scary especially when you have lived your life in a way for four years. But at the same time I am so so excited. I know God has great things for me and this summer and the next year is going to prepare me for the 'Bigger Picture' that God has birthed in me for over seven years. I am ready. I am ready to step out in faith and see how God uses me. I also am ready for love and know that it is coming soon.
Well until next time. Living the Dream with me is going to be crazy and sometimes adventurous, but I know that in the end God will be glorified and at the end of the day He will get all the honor not me.
Until next time, I am out.....J
So I had so many emotions going through my body as I walked into work on Monday. Thank God I still have my job at the university, but in August everything will change as I leave the life I have known for four years. I was scared and excited because I know now I can finally do what I love and work in a profession that needs dedicated people.
I am not sure where I will end up. I thought I had the direction God wanted me to go with but the job fell through. I really wanted to help her with her business, but maybe that was not the exact place I should be at. I know that we will continue to be friends, and God will continue to bless her so much, but I guess it was a blow to me even though it was a mutual decision.
So what is next....That is the question of the day, I do not know but I can say that my desire to start my nonprofit is at my forefront and I am starting to put my vision on paper. I have to say that I am scared: scared because a new season of my life is coming, scared to leave my family, and scared for change. I thought I would never say it but change is scary especially when you have lived your life in a way for four years. But at the same time I am so so excited. I know God has great things for me and this summer and the next year is going to prepare me for the 'Bigger Picture' that God has birthed in me for over seven years. I am ready. I am ready to step out in faith and see how God uses me. I also am ready for love and know that it is coming soon.
Well until next time. Living the Dream with me is going to be crazy and sometimes adventurous, but I know that in the end God will be glorified and at the end of the day He will get all the honor not me.
Until next time, I am out.....J
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
April, part 2.....
April.....Things can change!
This month has been the craziest month yet. I did not realize that when you are preparing to graduate the last few weeks of school are full of all the activities someone need's to accomplish before they graduate. I can not believe my life right now because it is so amazing.
Let me explain. The last few months I have been seeking God and searching myself for the areas I am truly passionate about. In the social welfare sector a person can go in so many directions and it seems like there is a need somewhere and with someone. These last few months in April I decided to go and speak with a person that specializes in spiritual direction/discernment. This experience has been amazing because I am able to talk to a person that has no "importance" to my life and I do not have to worry about burdening her with my problems. She has challenged me and offered some great wisdom to parts of my life that I struggle the most in.
So what is next.....well I had the opportunity to talk to some people and they gave me some great advice. Someone told me to write down my goal of where I want to be in five years. So I did and here is what I came up with:
- Become Debt Free
- Be Financial Secure
- Be a licensed Social Worker
- Travel 1-2 weeks every 3-6 months to places that God has given me passion for so I can help them in anyway possible (In America and around the World)
- Help a friend with her vision for a Gentleman's club
- Mystery - relationship
- Have fun and live like no tomorrow
So here are the facts and where I will be in August is a mystery, but I have a job interview the end of this month and a date still set to move to Ohio. I guess only God really knows where that location will be but I do know where I want to be and I am going to do my best to get there. I also know I can not able please everyone but understand that whatever decision I make eventually they will support my decision. This last year I had the opportunity to figure out a few places where I can go to find refuge and refresh myself.
Well until next time, I am out -J
P.S. Ohio is still a place very dear to my heart because they have one of the greatest churches housed there (this is my opinion)
Thursday, April 1, 2010
April, What?
Today is April 1st, 2010.....O where did March go.
A great deal has happen since I last posted anything to my blog. I traveled to Nicaragua in the beginning of March. It was an amazing experience. I enjoyed getting up every morning at 6:30AM to a cold shower with running water and sitting on the porch enjoying the amazing scenario around me. (For the record, the water only runs two times a day) It was great to also slow the pace of life down. The Nicaragua people enjoy the moment by not rushing. A meeting that was scheduled at 2PM could start anywhere from 2-3PM. This trip made me realize that God has blessed me so much and He has allowed me to travel the world showing his love to others. We had no agenda and it was great to see what a group of people can do without the same equipment we use everyday like washers, dryers, stoves, microwaves, and running water. I know that the Nicaraguans blessed me and I was able to meet some amazing people. I can only hope that one day God will allow me to go back to that great country to continue to expand on the relationships I have started and to love on those people.
March was a transition. After spring break I wanted to stop attending school, but I had to snap back into the mindset of a student because I still have a few more weeks left. This month I also decided I am going to start attending sessions with a spiritual mentor. My desire is to go deeper in Christ and to continue to show His love and compassion to this World.
Well today is April 1st....and I know that I have to buckle down and prepare for my departure as an undergraduate student. I am excited for the transition but I am nervous because for four years I have known the same route and have worked at the same employment. Now it is time to move on and continue the work God has prepared me for. I am ready to move to my new season of life. I know that I will be leaving people behind and moving to another State, but I do know that I will be back. I love my family and no matter where God takes me, they will always be in my thoughts and prayers.
So this is it....April is upon me and my life is full of many different meetings, events, and graduation. I am staying in Michigan until August and this summer I am going to enjoy every moment with my family and friends.
So until next time, I am out. J
A great deal has happen since I last posted anything to my blog. I traveled to Nicaragua in the beginning of March. It was an amazing experience. I enjoyed getting up every morning at 6:30AM to a cold shower with running water and sitting on the porch enjoying the amazing scenario around me. (For the record, the water only runs two times a day) It was great to also slow the pace of life down. The Nicaragua people enjoy the moment by not rushing. A meeting that was scheduled at 2PM could start anywhere from 2-3PM. This trip made me realize that God has blessed me so much and He has allowed me to travel the world showing his love to others. We had no agenda and it was great to see what a group of people can do without the same equipment we use everyday like washers, dryers, stoves, microwaves, and running water. I know that the Nicaraguans blessed me and I was able to meet some amazing people. I can only hope that one day God will allow me to go back to that great country to continue to expand on the relationships I have started and to love on those people.
March was a transition. After spring break I wanted to stop attending school, but I had to snap back into the mindset of a student because I still have a few more weeks left. This month I also decided I am going to start attending sessions with a spiritual mentor. My desire is to go deeper in Christ and to continue to show His love and compassion to this World.
Well today is April 1st....and I know that I have to buckle down and prepare for my departure as an undergraduate student. I am excited for the transition but I am nervous because for four years I have known the same route and have worked at the same employment. Now it is time to move on and continue the work God has prepared me for. I am ready to move to my new season of life. I know that I will be leaving people behind and moving to another State, but I do know that I will be back. I love my family and no matter where God takes me, they will always be in my thoughts and prayers.
So this is it....April is upon me and my life is full of many different meetings, events, and graduation. I am staying in Michigan until August and this summer I am going to enjoy every moment with my family and friends.
So until next time, I am out. J
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Forty-Four Day Fast
Forty-Four Day FAST
February 18th - April 4th, 2010
Tonight when I returned home from my class, I felt like I needed to fast. As I was sitting in the chair in my living room I was thinking about what I could fast and how long should I fast. Today is Ash Wednesday, and it is forty-four days away from Easter so that is how long I am going to fast.
I am not fasting because it is the season of 'lent' but I am fasting to produce a habit. I want to produce a habit to seek God intensely no matter what.
Here is what I am fasting......From 8AM - 6PM, I will have NO Online Entertainment (movies, games, social sites, etc)
You might be saying that this could be easy, but the secret is that I enjoy watching movies, TV series or being a certain sites on the web. So this is going to be a sacrifice and I think that is why I was prompted to fast this item.
Now you are aware of how my next 44 days will be spent, and I am excited to see what God will do during this time and how God will handle the items I will be specifically fasting for.
Until next time, I am out --J
WOW....February 2010
WOW!!!
This month has been amazing and challenging. February is not even over yet and I have enjoyed each obstacle, I have faced.
I have learned so much this week. Last Sunday morning, I was watching WHC Live and Pastor Parsley preached his best sermon yet. It was a word that I needed to hear. He talked about how we need to seek after God. He gave examples about how people seek God intensely when they are going through something challenging or dealing with a tragedy, but when we reach the other side folks forget to continue to seek God intensely. He also talked about how God stands back a little bit to see if we will still seek after him when life is 'Good'.
I realized that even though I want more of God and desire to live for him all of my days; I also forget to seek him intensely. My life is amazing; even though lately I probably have not made some great decisions and I am going through a hard patch, I know - I am still Blessed. This week I have been seeking God more than I have in a long time and I want to continue seeking him intensely. It is so funny how God shows up and shows out in your life and people around you show you how amazing God is.
Let me give you an example.....This week my car decided not to work properly even though I just put a great deal of money into it. I had to make a decision because I need a car. So on Tuesday I decided to rent a vehicle and even though Tuesday morning was so stressful and I was not sure where the money was coming from for this rental. I still make it to my client's visit. While I was sitting in the waiting room with my coworker A*** she said something so amazing. She told me just drive the car and let the mileage you receive from **** pay for the car. That made my day because God showed up again and worked through someone that has no influence on my spiritual life to show me that things will be alright.
I don't know about you, but I know I am going to seek God intensely. Seek Him like it is the last think I do and Seek Him like there is no Tomorrow.
This year has just started but I have learned so much and can not wait to see what God does for me the coming months of 2010.
Until next time....Seek God will all your might and heart! I am out --J
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Taking myself out of the equation......
Taking myself out of the equation
It's the middle of February...
WOW! I can not believe it is already the middle of February. In a couple of weeks I will be loading a plane and heading done South to Nicaragua.
So this week I decided to take me out of the equation of my life. I want what God has for my life and I also decided not to rush into anything major without consulting God first. I heard once that it could be someone trying to get out of a situation when they say 'I have to pray about it' because this person said we should already know what God wants for our life and situation. I agree a little bit on this statement, but I also think a person should pray about major decisions in their life to make sure that it is a 'God' decision and not just a 'Good' decision.
Lately, I have been searching for which direction professionally I should head in. I really enjoy what I am doing in my internship. It is great to be working with a family to help them find the resources they need to succeed. I asked a coworker's opinion on my next professional move and she said, "I see you doing something that challenges you where every you may live, you are a multitask-er and you need to be challenge if not you could get bored."
Well there it is folks, a bunch has happen this February and I am enjoying taking me out of the equation and see what God will do. I will say that I am still determine to complete my goal. God has opened up a few doors for me to meet some amazing people but I know that if it is God's desire for me to continue a relationship with them than God will open that door wide open and if not He will close it. Producing habits is going to be an amazing thing and I know that I am determine to continue to take care of my health and one day something amazing will happen.....
For now I am out, J
Monday, February 8, 2010
Today I remember to enjoy God.....
Enjoy God!
These last few days have reminded me to step back and enjoy God. On Sunday, I was reminded what part of my testimony was when my brother Joe confirmed his faith and got baptized. Before he was about to get baptized the preacher asked him to describe the moment he found Christ. He told part of our story and it reminded me where we came from and how amazing my mother was because she took us out of an environment that was not great and traveled across the country to bring us to a place where we could live in a different environment.
I know where I came from and am so excited that I have had the opportunity to experience these opportunities because they have helped me develop in the person I am today. Sometimes I wonder why I do not tell people my whole testimony or the experiences I have walked through, but than I think that people would not understand and would judge me for the life I have lived. My mom reminded me of a situation we experienced on our drive here from Colorado and how a truck driver with out a face helped us out. He paid for us to sleep in a hotel room and borrowed a waitress car to take us to and from the hotel. I remember that man even though we were very little and I thank God that even than he has protected my family and provided for us when we were in need.
So God is amazing and I am thankful to experience him deeper. I am excited to share my testimony when I feel the time is right and to always make sure God leads me. I am searching for a great experience with him and draw closer to His Word, knowing that this month I will 'Produce Habits'.
So that is why I am enjoying God and I also thank God that he will continue to bless my BFF as she continues to journey through her 30 days with God and I pray God will help her find what she is searching for..........
So for now I am out and remember to enjoy God with everything you have ----J
When God rebukes you.....
Sometimes I need to be reminded who is in charge of my life......
This last week I was attending a worship service. I did not want to be there because it was mandatory for me as I was an employee of the organization.
As I was worshiping God, He rebuked me. I have not been excited to go to events or do any work related to this employer of mine. But than God told me that it does not matter I should still do everything to glorify Him and I should stop being selfish. He reminded me that I am still on a mission field and that every person I come in contact with will not be flexible and could be demanding. He reminded me that the field I am going into is not always easy and enjoyable for people, but with everything I do I need to Glorify Him and remember ultimately who I am serving and why I do what I do.
God also reminded me that I forgot to ask him for guidance in the projects I am working on. Since I have included God I have enjoyed my job and am excited to finish the project and watch God get all the glory.
Even though I think I am on the same page with God sometime my 'self' gets in the way and I love when God corrects and rebukes me to remind me who is ultimately in charge.
Praise God! But for now I am out and remember to Love God and look to him ---J
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)