How I am doing.
Right now it is 2:12AM and I am laying in my living room. I just finished a movie that I saw multiple times and for some reason this time I started to cry. The crying was not in regards to the movie but instead something in that movie reminded me of my grandpa and my heart started to weep.
It is crazy I know. A person (me) who is suppose to be strong, but instead deep down my heart is broken (right now). My heart is broken over the loss of my Grandpa John; it has been a week since we lost him. He was one of my biggest supports and I did not realize it until the doctor diagnosed him with colon cancer again. He was a man that was always there for me and someone I could always count on. I guess you could say he was the pillar of our family or the rock of the family.
I decided to write this blog to explain how I am feeling. Many people ask me ’how are you doing’ and my response is OK or good. My friend told me awhile back that OK is an alright description of your emotions. Like she said when she was struggling that sometimes you are just OK. I think for me OK is a state that you are making it. I know there are time when I feel sad inside, but because I do not want people to feel sorry for me the best description is ’I am OK.’
During the last twelve days of my grandpa’s life I learned a huge lesson. I think of myself as a student after God’s own heart and I would say that my faith is strong. So when I found out the news I immediately started to contact folks to pray for my grandpa and I never once doubted that God would completely heal my grandpa. I know that God is the ultimate healer and nothing is too big for Him. The problem was that through out those twelve days I would just cry and sometimes I would cry for hours and did not know how to stop myself. The lesson I learned was no matter how strong your faith is every person still has a heart, and at that moment my heart was crying. You see, when I heard this news it was hard for me and my life was turned upside down. The person that I could count on for anything and he always was there was given a week to months to live, and it hit me that my biggest safety net was dying.
So today my heart is broken and I know that through time and God’s help my heart will be put back together. The lesson will stay with me forever, and now it is a tool that I can use. I am thankful that I finally can say I know how to love because I loved my grandpa and with him I held nothing back. Sometimes loving someone means in the end your heart could get broken, but I know that I will always take the risk to love again.
So to sum this up, I am doing well. I have good days and bad days. I am doing my best to not forget to grieve my grandpa’s death. I will make it and I will help my family also make it. So here is part one of my story, and I will do my best to update this blog on my progress and the lessons God has taught me through it. So for now I am signing off, and remember it is OK to be OK.
-J
